all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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