Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Watching her eat just hurts me
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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