i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
