One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
