i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
