made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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