oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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