Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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