I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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