my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
