I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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