today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Randomize
