Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
