I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
He better not be in your backpack
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
