How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
the raccoons are back...
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