dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
