not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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