My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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