The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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