Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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