Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
