I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
