I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
