My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
