U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
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