Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
