why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
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I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
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My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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