The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
