Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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