Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
