I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
