I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
