Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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