get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
