so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
