my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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