I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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