I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
