Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
