just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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