I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
