I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
