I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Randomize
