i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just high enough for therapy.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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