this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It's shark week go big or go home
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
