She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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