I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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