This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
