I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
