It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
you had me at cake vodka
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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