My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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