If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
