oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
