My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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