she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
