she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
