But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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