Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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